This Time It’s Personal

Yeah, yeah, I know I said before that I didn’t like to write about personal stuff on my blog, but sometimes writing all this shit out makes me feel a lot better. At least I hope it will this time, because I am seriously freaking out right now.

So I got laid off at the end of July; the company I moved here to work for had a bad few months and could no longer afford to pay me. They say that if things pick back up and they’re able to pull their business back from the brink, they will give me my job back, but I’m very, very skeptical that that’s going to happen. Supposedly I’m eligible for unemployment (a measly $275 a week, even though I’ve never collected any unemployment before and have been steadily employed for the past fifteen years), but I have yet to see a penny of it (how goddamn long does it take, anyway???). I’ve been applying for every graphic design job I see — full time, part time, freelance, contract, anything — and have got a grand total of one interview which I haven’t heard anything back from. I had a couple people supposedly interested in interviewing me, but after a few initial contacts have so far not answered or followed up on my queries. I’ve also been bidding on logo design jobs on Crowdspring, designing three or four logos a day, but so far have got nothing to show for these efforts either.

One of my credit cards is maxed out ($2,000, which I used for a partial car down payment and a computer when I moved to Orlando months ago). Luckily I received a new credit card ($2,500 limit) two days before the layoff, but I’ve already racked up almost $1,000 on it paying bills and buying gas and groceries. I applied for a credit limit increase on the first card and was denied; I just applied for one on the second card, but I can’t see myself getting that either. I’m down to less than $20 in my checking account, and $250 in my savings. I have an old IRA with about $2,300 in it, but taking that out would saddle me with so many taxes and penalties and fees that it wouldn’t be worth it for the paltry amount I’d get. I had applied for a loan for a boob job (before the layoff, obviously), but of course that fell through; that’s not the main priority at the moment, but it was something of a bummer when I already had the surgery scheduled and so forth. I may also have to pay the surgeon a rescheduling fee because I had to cancel. Joy.

My boyfriend suggested that I take out a personal loan using my car title as collateral (since the paid-off car that I left with my ex-husband still has my name on it), but when I researched that whole process I was scared off by the unbelievable interest rates and the speed with which they expect you to pay the shit off. I can’t take out a loan against the house I still co-own jointly with my ex-husband because we still owe way more on the house than what it’s worth. I don’t have anything else of value that I could sell. In desperation I bought a bunch of cheap wholesale jewelry that I hope I can turn over for a decent profit on eBay (perhaps the dark cloud of financial ruin may have the silver lining of small business genesis?), but of course it will be a while before I start to see a return on that, if I even do (psst, hey, wanna buy some pretty silver and turquoise bracelets?). I’ve got my website selling my designs (please buy stuff! Great holiday gifts!!!), and my books (please buy and read!!!), but the sales of those are so minor that the money they bring in is just a few drops of water in a vast ocean of debt. The situation is making me so tense that I’ve been unable to sleep or to write articles or do any of the stuff I would normally be doing, and I’ve basically chewed my fingernails down to nothing. Now, don’t get me wrong — I definitely DON’T regret divorcing my ex (not that he would have been any help in any case, as he got laid off ages ago and is poorer than I am) or moving to another city where, I must admit, there are more job opportunities than where I came from. It’s just that I’ve never been in a situation quite this dire before, and I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do about it.

The only thing keeping me from completely going off the deep end and just curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out is my dearest one, the love of my life. It may seem inconsequential when my entire financial future appears to be crashing down around me, but just the fact that Tom and I finally, FINALLY got together after more than a year of strange friendship, of hemming and hawing and skirting around a romantic relationship, is monumental. He makes me happier than anyone has ever made me, even aside from all the monetary help and advice he has given me since I moved here. He let me stay at his house for the past ten days so that I would save on food and electric and laundry costs and what not, and he bought me groceries for my house when I didn’t have the bucks. He offered to apply for a credit card in his name to help me pay off some of my bills, even though he’s never had a credit card in his life. He’s listened to me wigging out and told me everything was going to be okay. I hate to have to lean on him, because he isn’t exactly rolling in cash either, but just the fact that he’s there for me makes a huge, huge difference. Without him I would be well and truly lost. Add to that the fact that I have so many great friends here who commiserate with me, who buy me the occasional lunch and loan (or even give) me things I need, and I suppose I can’t complain too much. But wow, I would hate to think what would become of me otherwise. I know many people are in the same boat as I am these days, or are far worse off, and really I do think I’ll be able to pull myself out of this, but today the entire weight of the world feels as though it’s on my shoulders. Thanks, blogosphere, for allowing me to vent about it. And yes, I actually do feel a teeny, tiny bit better. Slightly.